Interview Part 2 ... by Chris Hyatte

The Godfather So here it is...day two of my little visit to the homebase...and things went a bit more smoothly....well, sort of:

MU: Well, I'm waiting.

Villano: For?

MU: Where is he?

Villano: "He" is right here.

MU: You are not the guy I talked to yesterday.

Villano: Yes I am.

MU: No you're not.

Villano: I beg to differ.

MU: What the hell is going on here?

Villano: Please explain yourself white man? What's the problem?

MU: Well, your mask is different for starters .

Villano: I am not allowed to change my wardrobe? That punkass Mysterio Jr. does it all the time!

MU: But there are other changes in you..

Villano: Such as?

MU: You seemed to have shrunk about 5 inches.

Villano: I sometimes wear platform shoes, I was wearing them yesterday....VIVA LA 70'S!!!!

MU: And you have seemed to be about 30 years younger.

Villano: I lather on the "Oil of Olay" before bedtime.

MU: Then there is the pitch black pony tailed hair you are sporting....yesterday you had grey hair cut short.

Villano: I visited the hairdresser last night after I spoke with you.

MU: YOU WERE WITH ME ALL NIGHT?

Villano: Not ALL night.

MU: Yes you were......oh yeah..there was that Senorita you set me up with.

Villano: There you go..

MU: But I was only with her for about 5 minutes.

Villano: And you're proud of that accomplishment?

MU: Well...no...but in my defense...she was a TAMALE!!!

Villano: Careful homeboy, that's my daughter you are speaking of..

MU: Your daughter?

Villano: Yes.

MU: Even though she now seems about 5 years older than you?

Villano: VIVA LA OIL OF OLAY!!!!

MU: Okay, okay...so you claim that it took only 5 minutes with a hairdresser to give you long, luxurious black hair?

Villano: When the hairdresser's family owes you dinero...it's amazing what she can accomplish.

MU: Did she give you that thick beard too?

Villano: No, I lathered on the Rogaine along with the Oil of Olay.

MU: And it worked OVERNIGHT??

Villano: Yes. Great stuff. If I remember, I'll send a case to Hogan one day.

MU: That does not explain the weight loss though. The man I was speaking to yesterday was about 50 pounds heavier.

Villano: That Richard Simmons is a miracle worker.

MU: You are claiming that an overnight drop of 50 lbs. is because of....DEAL A MEAL??

Villano: But of course..

MU: Oh come on...

Villano: Where are we going?

MU: Forget it. Let's see if I can get this straight; over the course of one night, you have de-aged, lost weight, grew hair, AND shrunk in size.

Villano: Yes, I am a VILLANO.

MU: Alright, let's put all the cards on the table.

Villano: What cards? For that matter, what table ?

MU: It's an expression.

Villano: O'boy.

MU: You are NOT Villano I ! Are you not in fact Villano X (The Public Relations Expert)?

Villano: I am not.

MU: You are too.

Villano: Am not.

MU: Are too.

Villano: Do you really want to do this again? Instead of questioning my word, why don't we plow ahead and finish this thing. I am a busy man.

MU: You know what, we should. Okay, let's finish this.

Villano: Oh Thank Villano

MU: Shouldn't that be thank Go....you know what, never mind.

Villano: Smart gringo.

MU: Since I have a plane to catch...let's get to it. I'll give you a name and you say the first thing that comes to your mind.

Villano: Hyatte sucks.

MU: Excuse me?

Villano: That was the first thing that came to my mind.

MU: But we haven't started yet?

Villano: WILL YOU GET TO IT FOR VILLANO'S SAKE!!!

MU: okay okay....Eric Bischoff.

Villano: Right place, right time, right wallet.

MU: Where have I heard that before?

Villano: Okay, fine...so I stole that from Jeff Jarrett....or perhaps he stole it from me, eh? The truth is that Mr. Bischoff is a smart man, and is a key player in the Villano American Invasion.

MU: And you still claim to be selling masks right?

Villano: Of course, The Villanos are first and foremost Capitalists.

MU: Funny, I thought you were Unorthodox Jews.

Villano: I'll ignore that.

MU: So you say that Bischoff is a willing participant in the Villano American Invasion?

Villano: I don't recall saying "willing"

MU: So he doesn't know what you are up to when you leave the ring?

Villano: Of course not...he is too consumed watching the WWF programming and berating Vince McMahon out loud whenever he appears on the television screen.

MU: You have witnessed this?

Villano: Yes, it's embarrassing. He also reads his fan mail.

MU: HE GETS FAN MAIL?

Villano: Yes, at least two letters a month.

MU: Whoa! Speaking of which, Vince McMahon.

Villano: Missed his chance to be part of the "Revolution".

MU: You had called him with an offer?

Villano: Yes, but he wanted to change our names to "Los Boricuas"...that was NOT happening anytime soon.

MU: And yet, he gave that moniker to Savio Vega and his friends.

Villano: A source of endless giggling around the dinner table. Savio and his "gang" used to be our cooks.

MU: They were?

Villano: Yes, but Miquel's body hair kept falling into our Guacamole. We had to fire them. Some months later, Los Boricuas were born.

MU: How about "Hollywood" Hulk Hogan.

Villano: Ahh..the master Thespian.

MU: You really think he is a great actor?

Villano: No...oh...I meant something that rhymes with thespian.

MU: Does it have an "L" in it?

Villano: Never you mind.

MU: Konan?

Villano: I preferred the name we gave him earlier...K- Dawg.

MU: Why?

Villano: Because he is a loyal servant. Very obedient.

MU: I'll just leave that alone.

Villano: Wise.

MU: But I thought Kevin Nash gave him the nickname K-Dawg?

Villano: Nash is a good man. A bit too arrogant, even for an American. But he overheard us call him K-Dawg backstage once when we were making him chase a tennis ball around. He liked the idea and made it public.

MU: Ahh, a mystery solved! How about La Parka?

Villano: A young up and comer. Makes no secret about his desire to join the "Revolution"!

MU: And your thoughts?

Villano: Don't tell him this..but I may be his papa.

MU: Really?

Villano: Well, me and about 40 other members of the familia... VIVA LA VILLANOS!!!!!

MU: That's harsh dude.

Villano: This is Mexico Amigo!! Love it or be trampled!

MU: How about all the other Luchadors?

Villano: Many are rather harmless. Except I may as well take this time to advise Senor Juventud Guerrera to step off before he.....annoys us further.

MU: I heard that he is going to be unmasked soon.

Villano: Expect a surprise.

MU: What? Is he really ugly?

Villano: No, he has a baby face, and almost no testosterone whatsoever.

MU: He looks like a woman?

Villano: A teenage girl actually...remember that film called "The Crying Game"?

MU: Yes?

Villano: Well, when you see him without the mask, you'll start crying.

MU: I guess we'll see. So, how has he been....annoying you further?

Villano: He has been quite vocal with ideas of rebuilding the Mysterio Resistance Guerrillas.

MU: And why would that bother a family who sells masks?

Villano: Those Rey masks are awfully colorful.

MU: I see. Hey, just for the Hell of it...

Villano: That should be, "Just for the Villano of it".

MU: Oh geez, you just said..... you know what, forget it. I'll rephrase; So, just for the Villano of it..

Villano: Much better.

MU: Exactly what would you do with Juventud Guerrera?

Villano: I would hang him by his "Juvees" and fly him around in a helicopter.

MU: I see....been watching "Scarface" huh?

Villano: Yes, "You don't F&%$ with Tony Montana".

MU: Except in the flick, they just hung him around the neck.

Villano: Such is the way of the FAMILIA!!

MU: For my own safety, I'll drop the subject.

Villano: We would show him what "Air Juvee" is all about...Villano style!

MU: uhhhh....Paul Heyman and ECW?

Villano: Those boys are LOCO!

MU: Boy I'll say!

Villano: Of course, they stole the barbed wire concept from us.

MU: I thought they stole it from Japan.

Villano: And where do you think Japan got it?

MU: No kidding? Another mystery solved.

Villano: We are drawing closer to the end.

MU: Yes, how about a quick few more names.

Villano: Fine.

MU: Diamond Dallas Page?

Villano: Hot chica of a wife.

MU: The Giant?

Villano: Reinforced toilet seat

MU: Roddy Piper?

Villano: I'll send him a case of Oil of Olay when I send Hogan the Rogaine.

MU: Shawn Michaels?

Villano: He is known only as "HBGAY" in the homeland.

MU: Bret Hart?

Villano: The only obstacle in the Canadian Invasion. Will be dealt with in a "time honored tradition"!

MU: Haven't you heard? He doesn't follow the "time honored tradition"!

Villano: He doesn't? Why Bret? Why?

MU: Mike Tenay?

Villano: Thinks he knows everything when he knows nothing.

MU: Tony Schiavone?

Villano: Does he ever call the matches?

MU: Bobby Heenan?

Villano: What the Hell happened to him? He used to be funny!

MU: And finally, Sting?

Villano: Someone switched him with a resurrected Brandon Lee.

MU: They can't resurrect people.

Villano: You just keep on thinking that amigo. The less you know about the regime..the better.

MU: Well, I can't thank you enough for the interview...whoever you are.

Villano: You may thank us after you're back on American soil. Until then...bark for us.

MU: Oh come on...

Villano: BARK LIKE A DOG!!!

MU: Uhhh, ummm bow wow?

Villano: MORE!!!!!!!!

MU: RUFF RUFF RUFF BOWOW WOWO BOW WOW

Villano: Hmmph...it's better than Mysterio ever did. You may go now.

MU: Hey, do you think you could set me up with Salma Hayek?

Villano: I'd start running now, dog...and don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.

MU: Adios!

Villano: VIVA LA VILLANOS!!!! VIVA LA REVOLUTION!!!!